I am Kenyan christian addicted to porn

I am Kenyan christian addicted to porn

As with many young Kenyan men, I was initiated to porn and blue movies when I was 17. My friend Tyler Kimani and I got exposed to porn when we found a phone that had been left to my bothers shop which had a blue movie on it and no password. I was scrolling through the pictures when I came across it.

I didn’t want to keep looking. But I did. I was caught.

Eventually, we started to look at nudity online together  and it grew uncomfortable and boring. So Tyler and I took our passion for porn solo. Tyler kept buying the blue moves and similarly downloading anything he could find on the net, progressing from topless women to sex photos to hardcore videos. Meanwhile, I bounced between feeling guilty and wanting to see more. Some days I was strong. Other days, I was like a lustful porn addict looking for a fix. I never purchased or downloaded porn, though. I was a pastor’s kid in a small town who could be recognized and ratted on. And I had no computer at home. Instead, I stole porn.

I searched any phones left over my brothers’ shop for charging in hopes that someone had left a pass-wordless somewhere. When that didn’t work, I always asked my friends for porn movies. Not many. Just a few over a  couple of years. But I savored them.

I often imagined myself as the performer porn star. It’s embarrassing to say, but these women made me feel loved. My eyes would feast on their skin and it made me feel like a man. For just one moment, I felt wanted. I felt pleasure.

I felt close to someone, and it never bothered me that she wasn’t real. She was to me.

But those moments of fulfillment did pass. Always. The pleasure faded. And in its wake I fought pounding waves of regret and guilt. I felt a million miles from good, a billion light years from God. I’d often think back to how I saw that first picture of a naked woman. I had used a stick to keep it away from me. I felt like God had the stick in his hand now, poking at me from a distance, trying not to get any of me on him

I knew this wasn’t true. I knew I was a Christian. And I knew God saw me as perfect and loveable as he saw his very own Son. I knew all this. Grace. Love. Forgiveness.

But I didn’t feel it. And I grew more and more depressed and frustrated with myself. I’d promise myself over and over that I wouldn’t mess up again, only to repeat my mistakes.

Tyler wasn’t any better. He eventually found it impossible to believe in a God who’d keep him from looking at porn. With God out of the picture, Tyler convinced himself porn was just about pleasure. And how could pleasure hurt anyone? Once he decided pornography wasn’t evil, he embraced it.

Seeing what happened to Tyler was a wake-up call. I knew I was headed down the same path. So I got help. One day, I was hanging out with a close friend who was a strong believer. Out of nowhere, I told him everything. My voice shaking, I confessed that if I could look at pornography for free, knowing I wouldn’t be found out or feel guilty, I would. I asked him for help. We prayed together.

And then—to my surprise—my friend told me he had the same problem. Turns out most of my friends did. We went to an older Christian in our church and asked him to meet with us every week and help us. This man had no great wisdom we lacked, no secret to fighting the drawing power of naked women. But what he did was listen, give us wise advice and pray. He became a caring mentor to all of us. The first thing he showed us was that we weren’t the only ones with these problems. We weren’t freaks. We weren’t alone anymore.

As I met with my new accountability group, I saw my life had to change. And a lot of those changes and lessons still apply to my life today. Lesson one: run away. “Flee!” our mentor often said. “Alcoholics shouldn’t live across the street from a liquor store.” To me, that means I can’t use a computer alone without internet filters.

I have to limit the opportunities for temptation. I have to put space between me and porn.  I don’t let myself watch TV alone. Even with filters on my internet service, I don’t go online if no one else is home. These restrictions annoy me sometimes. But they help me flee.

The second thing I learned was to ask myself the question: How can I increase my desire for God and smother my desire to lust? Someone once told me that there are two dogs in my heart’s backyard. One dog always craves pleasure, sin and selfishness. The other dog craves justice, mercy, peace and obedience to God. When I wake up every day, I choose which dog gets fed. The one I feed grows until the other dog can’t even be seen…

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